Life is Suffering
Harmful behaviors and actions
Alcoholic Suffering
- Thinking the worst and creating a depressed state of mind, also creates in me a higher level of anxiety.
- I suffer health issues from alcoholism, like high blood pressure, I have had several heart ablation surgeries as a result.
- I Suffer isolation from others out of fear of exposure to my use
- Blackout incidents like having direct angry and hurtful conversations causing suffering to others
Relationship Suffering
- Lying to hide my alcohol and drug consumption from others including my 2nd ex-wife, family, and friends has caused them suffering.
- Alcohol use has strained my relationships leading to controlling arguments, broken promises, and emotional distance from the people I should have compassion for. Still, it caused a state of suffering for them.
- Mood swings and irritability, leading to emotional instability and again creating suffering in others and the result.
Health and Mental Wellness Suffering
- Suffering depression and anxiety triggers fear and isolation.
- Because of drinking I suffer from memory issues, concentration, and decision-making.
- I suffer from occasional suicidal thoughts when deeply depressed.
- I suffer from difficult withdrawals including dry heaves and lack of appetite.
- Lack of empathy and emotional intelligence, making it difficult for me to understand and respond appropriately to situations leading to insensitive and unhelpful responses creating suffering in others.
- Emotional reactions to old stereotypes where my perception is not in line with reality cause suffering due to the lack of an appropriate response.
- Because of heavy drinking I have developed cysts in my liver due to alcohol abuse.
- Work Suffering
- Neglecting work
- Being overly serious and sometimes aggressive creates suffering in the teams I lead.
- Setting timelines that do not work because of neglecting work because I’m on a jag, also creates suffering.
- Missing opportunities like meetings with potential investors, teams, and partners, creates suffering in the business due to the lack in involvement.
- These missed opportunities lead to poor execution of the business plan, which causes suffering to me, teams, investors, and partnerships.
Finance Suffering
- Spending money to feel good leads to the suffering of not having money for more appropriate expenditures like bills.
- My alcoholism has led to my suffering from poor credit.
- Lying about money to my 2nd ex-wife has created undue suffering to her.
- Consequences – Suffering
- Divorce from my 2nd ex-wife
- Missing funding rounds for companies I have started
- Losing employees and partners due to a lack of transparency and consistent engagement
- Eviction from house
- Distorted view of reality regarding work especially the companies I have started and run and not pivoting to work that has a consistent income.
- Getting stuck in loops of life optimization at the expense of genuine understanding, clear thinking, and effective problem-solving.
It takes courage to be this honest, and this detailed list helps me to understand my patterns.
These are the recurring situations, emotions, and thoughts that seem to be triggering those harmful behaviors and suffering:
Emotional Triggers
- Thinking the worst/Depression/Anxiety: This seems to be a significant driver. When I fall into negative thought patterns and become depressed, it triggers anxiety which likely leads me to alcohol use as a form of escape or self-medication, thus exacerbating the depression and anxiety, creating a vicious cycle.
- Fear of Exposure: The fear that others will see me as an alcoholic leads to isolation, which further fuels the negative emotions and makes it harder to break the cycle.
- Mood Swings/Irritability: These emotional states can create conflict in relationships, potentially leading to unrealistic arguments that can increase my desire to use alcohol.
Situational Triggers
- Work Stress: Setting unrealistic timelines, neglecting work due to alcohol use, and the pressure of running a business seems to be major triggers. The stress and potential consequences likely contribute to my desire to escape through drinking.
- Financial Strain: Financial problems, particularly those related to my businesses and spending habits while drinking, create immense stress and contribute to my cycle of alcoholism.
- Relationship Conflicts: Difficulties in my relationships, particularly with my 2nd ex-wife, are both a consequence and a trigger for my alcohol use. Arguments and emotional distance increase my desire to drink.
Thought Patterns
- Distorted View of Reality: This is evident in my perception of work, particularly my companies, and my difficulty pivoting to more stable income sources. This distorted thinking has led to poor decision-making and further financial strain, fueling the cycle.
- “Life Optimization” at the Expense of Genuine Understanding: my tendency is to focus on external achievements and control, and neglecting my emotional well-being and genuine connection with others. This can create a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction, which alcohol is used as a coping mechanism.
Key Takeaways
- My negative thought patterns and emotional states (depression, anxiety, fear) are significant triggers for my alcohol use.
- Stress related to work and finances plays a major role in maintaining good wellbeing.
- Relationship difficulties contribute to both the problem and the consequences.
- Certain thought patterns, like a distorted view of reality and an overemphasis on “optimization,” are underlying contributors to my harmful behaviors and actions.
Reducing Suffering to Change Patterns
- Mindfulness: Cultivating mindfulness helps me to become more aware of my thoughts, emotions, and triggers, allowing me to make conscious choices rather than reacting habitually.
- Compassion: Developing compassion for myself and others helps me to navigate difficult emotions and relationships with greater kindness and understanding.
- Acceptance: Accepting the present moment without judgment reduces suffering caused by resistance to change and attachment to outcomes.
- Letting Go: Practicing non-attachment helps me to release the grip of craving and find peace within.
By integrating these principles into my recovery journey, I gain a deeper insight into the nature of my suffering and cultivate a path towards lasting freedom from alcoholism and well-being.