The Cause of Suffering
Here are situations, circumstances, and feelings I might use harmful behaviors to avoid:
- Feeling overwhelmed or stressed: When things get hectic at work or in my personal life, I turn to alcohol, as well as shopping and binge-movie watching, which leads to procrastination and avoidance, to numb out or distract myself.
- Facing difficult emotions: When I’m feeling sad, angry, or anxious, I use alcohol, shopping, and binge-watching movies as a way to escape those feelings instead of dealing with them head-on.
- Dealing with loneliness: If I’m struggling with being alone, I might use eating, isolation, and seeking codependent relationships to try to feel wanted or to numb the pain.
The Second Noble Truth focuses on the cause of suffering: craving or clinging. It emphasizes that suffering arises not from external circumstances themselves but from our attachment to wanting things to be different than they are. This clinging, particularly to impermanent things like substances or addictive behaviors, leads to a cycle of craving, dissatisfaction, and further suffering.
My introspection into the emotions, sensations, and thoughts that arise when abstaining from addictive behaviors. It prompts us to examine the underlying reasons for our cravings, such as troubling memories, shame, grief, or unmet needs. By acknowledging and addressing these root causes with compassion and patience, we can begin to break free from the cycle of addiction and suffering.
Here’s a personal reflection based on the Inquiry, along with some examples.
Emotions, Sensations, and Thoughts During Abstinence:
When I abstain from my addictive behaviors, a wave of emotions washes over me. Initially, there’s anxiety and restlessness, a feeling of emptiness and unease. My mind races with thoughts of doubt and self-criticism, questioning my ability to cope without my usual crutch.
As I sit with these uncomfortable feelings, deeper emotions begin to surface. There’s a sense of sadness and grief for how my addiction has harmed myself and others. Guilt arises as I recall past actions driven by my cravings and actions. I also feel a deep longing for connection and belonging, a need that I’ve tried to fulfill through my addiction.
Troubling Memories, Guilt, Grief, or Unmet Needs:
Behind the immediate cravings lie deeper wounds. Troubling memories of past traumas or difficult experiences may resurface, triggering a desire to escape from my addiction. Guilt whispers that I’m not worthy of love or happiness, leading me to seek solace in unhealthy behaviors. Grief lingers for lost opportunities, broken relationships, or the person I could have been l, without the grip of addiction.
Unmet needs for love, acceptance, and security fuel my cravings. I may have experienced neglect or emotional unavailability in my early life, leaving me with a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and intimacy. My addiction becomes a way to numb these painful emotions and create a false sense of control.
Meeting These with Compassion and Patience:
To break free from this cycle, I need to meet these emotions and unmet needs with compassion and patience. This means acknowledging my pain without judgment and offering myself kindness and understanding. I can practice self-care through activities that nourish my body and soul, such as meditation, spending time in nature, or connecting with supportive friends.
I need to address the underlying causes of my addiction. This involves support meetings, seeking therapy to help process feelings, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and cultivating self-love and acceptance. By meeting my unmet needs in healthy ways, I can gradually reduce my dependence on addictive behaviors.
Examples:
- Troubling Memory:
My relationship with my dad causes me to feel less than and a failure because I don’t get from him a sense of compassion, unconditional support, and love. By acknowledging this memory and its impact, I can begin to heal the underlying wound and develop healthier coping strategies. - Guilt:
Feeling guilty of past mistakes can lead me to self-sabotage and a return to addictive behaviors. By practicing self-compassion and forgiveness, I can break free from the grip of shame and move forward with hope. - Unmet Need for Connection:
A lack of fulfilling relationships can drive a craving for codependency. For me, codependency is subtle and I fail to notice that I’m seeking a codependent relationship. Like dating a woman for her looks and nothing else. By seeking out genuine connections and building a supportive community, I can satisfy my need for belonging in healthy ways.
By honestly examining my emotions, sensations, and thoughts that arise during abstinence, and by addressing the underlying causes of my cravings with compassion and patience, I can begin to cultivate a life of true freedom and fulfillment.
Things I give up clinging to impermanent and unreliable solutions.
This is a tough one, but I’ll be honest. Looking back, I can see that I prioritized my addictive behaviors over some really important things in my life.
Here’s what I gave up:
- Relationships:
I hid from friends, family, and teammates, either because I was ashamed of my behaviors and didn’t want to talk to anyone for fear of creating chaos and straining relationships. - Financial Security:
I spent a lot of money feeding my addiction, not only directly to pay for alcohol and substances, but also through to the point where it impacted my ability to pay bills or afford necessities. I even took on debt that I’m still struggling to pay off. - Health: I neglected my physical and mental health. I wasn’t eating properly, exercising, or getting enough sleep. I also ignored warning signs from my body and avoided going to the doctor.
- Opportunities:
I missed out on job opportunities, social events, and personal growth experiences because I was too focused on my addiction. I let fear and self-doubt hold me back from pursuing my dreams.
The hardest question is, what made the addiction more important?
I think it was a combination of things:
- Escape from pain:
My addiction provided a temporary escape from difficult emotions, past traumas, and the stresses of everyday life. It numbed the pain and gave me a sense of control, even if it was an illusion. - Fear of facing reality:
I was afraid of confronting my problems and the underlying issues that fueled my addiction. It was easier to stay in my comfort zone, even if it was destructive. - Lack of self-worth:
Deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved happiness or a fulfilling life. My addiction became a self-fulfilling prophecy, reinforcing my negative beliefs about myself.
It’s painful to acknowledge these things, but it’s an important step in my recovery. I’m learning to prioritize my well-being and make choices that support my long-term happiness, even if it means facing my fears and confronting uncomfortable truths.
Examples from my perspective:
Clinging to any beliefs that fuel craving and aversion, beliefs that deny the truth of impermanence, or beliefs about how things in life “should” be.
Clinging to beliefs that fuel craving and aversion, deny impermanence, and dictate how things “should” be. It’s not like I’m consciously trying to, but I can see them lurking.
For example, related to craving: I have this sneaky belief that if I achieve x or possess y, then I will be permanently happy and secure. It might be something like a certain level of professional success, a perfectly organized home, or even a specific kind of relationship. The problem is, of course, that these things are always changing, and the satisfaction is fleeting. This belief fuels the constant chase and a feeling of dissatisfaction when I don’t have what I think I need. It’s like a hamster on a wheel, always wanting more.
Related to aversion: I also cling to the belief that certain situations or emotions are inherently “bad” or to be avoided. Feeling anxious, for instance, is something I try to push away, instead of accepting it as a temporary experience. This aversion makes anxiety feel stronger and more persistent because I’m resisting it. I have this internal narrative that says I should always feel calm and in control, which is completely unrealistic. I also often find myself resisting changes in my routine or environment, clinging to the idea that things should stay predictable and comfortable.
Related to impermanence: The biggest challenge is the belief that things will stay the same. I might mentally bank on a good situation lasting forever, or expect relationships to remain constant. When things inevitably change, I experience a lot of disappointment, sadness, or frustration because I haven’t truly internalized that everything is in flux. I often catch myself thinking “This is how things are,” instead of understanding that “This is how things are right now”.
In summary, I think my beliefs are rooted in a desire for stability and control, which is a futile exercise in the face of impermanence. I know intellectually that change is the only constant, but emotionally, I’m still working on accepting it. I’m aware that these beliefs cause a lot of unnecessary suffering, and I’m trying to gently challenge them through mindfulness and self-reflection. It’s not a quick fix, but I’m committed to becoming more aware of these patterns and learning to let go of these rigid ideas of how life “should” be.