Inquiry of Wise Intention

INQUIRY OF WISE INTENTION:

• What compassion or forgiveness can you offer when someone’s intention is good but their impact is harmful? If it doesn’t feel safe or appropriate to offer this directly to the person, how can you bring that forgiveness into your own heart so you don’t have the burden of carrying it?

  It’s important to remember that everyone, including myself, acts from a place of limited understanding and awareness. When someone’s intention is good, but the impact is harmful, I can try to understand their perspective and the reasons behind their actions. If it’s not safe to communicate directly, I can practice self-compassion to deal with my reaction and accept their mistake. I can bring forgiveness into my heart by recognizing that we’re all interconnected and that holding onto resentment only hurts me. I can meditate on their suffering and imagine wishing them well, releasing my anger and promoting inner peace. It is also essential that I set boundaries that protect myself from further harm by separating the person from their actions.

• During your periods of addictive behavior, how did you act in ways that were clinging, uncaring, harsh, cruel, or unforgiving? Toward whom (including yourself) were these feelings directed? How
  might generosity, compassion, loving kindness, and forgiveness have changed your behavior?

  During active addiction, I was often incredibly clinging to the substance or behavior I was dependent on. This led to uncaring actions towards family and friends, as I prioritized my cravings above their needs and well-being. I was harsh and cruel to myself, constantly berating myself for my failures. I was also unforgiving towards myself, unable to move past my mistakes and fueled with shame and self-hatred. These feelings were directed primarily at myself, but also spilled over onto those closest to me. I wasn’t the person I was when I was sober.If I had been able to access generosity, compassion, loving kindness, and forgiveness, my behavior would have been drastically different. Generosity could have helped me let go of my self-centeredness and recognize the needs of others. Compassion could have allowed me to approach myself and others with understanding and empathy. Loving kindness could have fostered a sense of goodwill and connection, reducing my isolation and anger. Forgiveness could have freed me from the cycle of shame and self-destruction, allowing me to heal and move forward.

• • What actions have you taken that have harmed others? Have you formed an intention to reconcile with both yourself and the person or people you’ve harmed (to make amends)? If so, have you found wise friend or mentor you can go to for guidance and support in the amends process, (which is summarized below)? What support can this person provide as you begin the process of amends?

    My addiction led to several actions that harmed others. I lied, manipulated, and broke promises. I neglected responsibilities and caused emotional pain to those who cared about me. I also harmed myself through self-destructive behavior, which in turn affected those around me.I have formed a strong intention to reconcile with myself and those I have harmed. This is an ongoing process. I have started working with a therapist, who I consider a wise friend and mentor, to guide me through the amends process. The therapist is providing support by:

MAKING AMENDS:

• • Have you done something intentionally that you now recognize caused harm to another? Who has been harmed by your actions?

    Yes, I intentionally lied to cover up my addictive behaviors. This harmed my family, my partner, and close friends who trusted me. My deceit eroded their trust and caused them emotional distress.

• Have you honestly formed the intention not to repeat harmful actions and to learn from the experience in future interactions? Have you begun the process of directly addressing the harmful actions of your past?

  Yes, I am committed to not repeating these harmful actions. I am actively working to learn from my experiences by attending therapy, practicing mindfulness, and being honest with myself and others. I have started the process of directly addressing my past actions by starting my Step 9 process and listing the people I have harmed. I know that I need to tell these people that I am aware and remorseful for what I did.

• • Making amends depends on the circumstance, including your present relationship to the person and the extent to which you can undo the harm caused through direct actions (like correcting a public dishonesty or compensating another for things you have taken that were not freely offered). Ask yourself, “What can I do in the present?”

    In the present, I can:

     

    • • Make amends for the financial burden my addiction put on my family.
    • • Offer my sincere apologies to those I lied to and express my remorse for the pain I caused.
    • • Be present and supportive in my relationships, demonstrating my commitment to change through my actions.
    • • Be honest and transparent in my communications.

• • Can you address and reconcile with the harm you have caused without forming an attachment to being forgiven? Identify the motivation for making each amends.

    I can and must address the harm I’ve caused without expecting forgiveness. My motivation for making amends is to take responsibility for my actions, alleviate the suffering I caused, and restore balance in my relationships. It is not to make myself feel better, but to show those I have harmed that I understand the impact of my actions and am committed to doing better.

• • What actions would restore balance in your own feelings and approach to whatever harm you have caused? Can these steps be taken without causing new harm to the person or the relationship?

    Restoring balance for myself involves:

    • Accepting responsibility for my past actions. Forgiving myself for my mistakes, while still holding myself accountable. Committing to a path of healing and growth.Practicing self-compassion and self-care.

    These steps can be taken without causing new harm by focusing on my own internal healing and by ensuring my amends are delivered with sensitivity and respect for the other person’s experience.

If you’re experiencing a difficult situation or choice in your life right now, investigate the intention you are bringing to this situation:

Difficult Decision:

I’m currently facing a difficult decision about where to live. My present situation is disruptive, unhealthy, and challenging, impacting my serenity. The potential upsides are that it forces me to embrace impermanence and practice compassion and selflessness. Financially, it’s manageable.

My options are:

1. 1. No Change: Remain in my current living situation.

1. 1. Local Move (Financial Stretch): Move to a different place locally. This is a financial stretch, requiring a roommate or a better-paying job, which is a possibility but not yet a reality.

1. 1. Out-of-State Move (Business Help): Move to another state to assist a longtime friend and former business partner with their new business. This is financially feasible, but depends on receiving regular payments from my friend, which triggers my anxiety.

Now, let’s investigate my intentions:

1. 1. Am I being selfish or self-seeking? How?

      I am being self-seeking by prioritizing my own well-being and serenity over the potential benefits of my current situation (embracing impermanence, practicing compassion). Choosing either of the move options reflects a desire to create a better, more comfortable life for myself, which, while not inherently selfish, could be viewed as putting my needs ahead of the “lessons” my current situation offers.

1. 1. Am I being driven by aversion (running away from an unpleasant
      experience) or craving (grasping for pleasure)? How?

      Yes, I am significantly driven by aversion. I’m running away from the unpleasantness, disruption, and unhealthiness of my current living arrangement. I am also craving the pleasure of stability, serenity, and a more supportive environment. The potential move represents a desire to escape the negative aspects of my current life and embrace something more positive.

1. 1. How could I bring in a spirit of generosity, compassion, loving kindness, appreciative joy, and forgiveness to this situation?
      
      

       

      • • Generosity: I can be generous with my time and energy in my current situation, focusing on helping others and improving the living environment despite its challenges. I can also be generous with my friend, understanding their potential financial struggles and offering help without excessive pressure.
      • • Compassion: I can have compassion for myself, acknowledging the difficulty of my current situation and allowing myself to feel the discomfort without judgment. I can also have compassion for my current roommates, recognizing their possible struggles and contributing to a more harmonious atmosphere.
      • • Loving kindness: I can wish well for my current living environment and my roommates, hoping they find peace and happiness. I can also wish well for my friend and their new business endeavor, sending them positive energy and support.
      • • Appreciative Joy: I can appreciate the things that are good about my current situation – the financial affordability, the opportunity to learn and grow. I can also find joy in the prospect of a better living situation, either locally or in another state.
      • • Forgiveness: I can forgive myself for any impatience, frustration, or resentment I feel towards my current living environment or the people in it. I can also forgive my friend for the anxiety the potential financial arrangement triggers.

1. 1. How would this decision process look different if I brought these factors to mind before reacting or responding?

      If I brought these factors to mind, I would approach the decision with more balance and clarity. I would be less focused on escaping and more focused on making a wise and compassionate choice. I would consider the needs of others involved (my roommates, my friend) and make a decision that aligns with my values of generosity, compassion, and loving kindness. I would also be more accepting of whatever path I choose, understanding that it’s an opportunity for growth and learning.

1. If I don’t want to embrace these principles, can I at least have the intention and willingness to do so?

   Yes, even if it feels difficult to fully embrace these principles, I can commit to setting the intention and maintaining a willingness to do so. This intentionality will help guide my actions and bring more peace and wisdom to my decision-making process. It is important to be sure that my safety is a priority.