Think of a situation in your life that is causing confusion or un-
ease:
A Misunderstood Business Deal
An example is that I have been involved in a business deal that hasn’t gone as planned. There are miscommunications and unmet expectations, and I’m feeling a lot of confusion and unease as a result.
- What is the truth of this situation?
- Your Investigation:
- You need to dig deeper than your initial emotional reaction. This means trying to understand what’s happening by gathering facts:
- Objective Data: What are the specifics of the deal? What were the agreed-upon terms, in writing and verbally? What has been delivered or not delivered?
- Communication History: Go back over your communications (emails, texts, notes from conversations). What was said, what was not said, and what might have been unclear?
- Multiple Perspectives: Try to understand the other party’s perspective. What do they think happened? What were their expectations?
- Missing Information: What information do you still need to gather to get a complete picture? What don’t you know, but are making assumptions about?
- The Truth: By putting these objective facts together, you can start to define the truth of this situation. The truth is likely going to be much more complex than your initial thoughts about the problem, and will likely not be as simple as “I am right and they are wrong.” The truth might be: “There were misunderstandings about deadlines and specific requirements due to a lack of written communication, and a misunderstanding of the others’ role.”
- Are you seeing clearly, or are you getting lost in judgment, taking things personally in stories you’re telling yourself, or repeating past messages you’ve internalized? How?
- Your Self-Reflection: This requires some honest self-assessment. Let’s look at how you might be distorting reality:
- Judgment: Are you labeling the other party as “incompetent,” “dishonest,” or “unprofessional”? When you get caught up in a judgment, that limits your ability to see all aspects of a situation.
- Personalizing: Are you thinking, “This always happens to me” or “They’re trying to take advantage of me”? When you take something personally, it often means that you are making assumptions about the intentions of others.
- Stories You’re Telling Yourself: Are you crafting a narrative about “how the deal should have gone” that’s different from reality, or making assumptions that you’re not able to know for sure (for example, thinking that someone must have meant harm when there’s no real evidence)? Are you making assumptions about their motivations or character, instead of sticking to the facts of what has actually happened?
- Repeating Past Messages: Are you reacting to this situation based on old patterns or ingrained beliefs (e.g., “People always take advantage of me,” “I’m never good enough in business”) that don’t fit this current situation? Are you bringing old hurts and old patterns to this current situation that have no connection to the objective facts?
- How You’re Not Seeing Clearly: Perhaps your vision is clouded by:
- Assumptions: You’re making assumptions about the other party’s intentions without any evidence. For example, you’re assuming they deliberately tried to mislead you.
- Confirmation Bias: You are only seeing evidence that confirms your belief that you’ve been wronged and ignoring anything that could indicate otherwise.
- Emotional Reactivity: You’re so upset about the situation that you’re seeing things through the lens of anger, frustration, or disappointment.
- Is your vision clouded by greed, hatred, confusion, clinging, attachment, or craving? How?
- Your Examination of Your Motivations: Again, be honest with yourself. This is a very difficult aspect of seeing clearly. How are these things affecting your vision of this business situation?
- Greed: Are you overly attached to the outcome of the deal, driven by wanting profit more than collaboration, or to appear successful? Is your desire for profit or for a particular outcome clouding your judgment?
- Hatred: Are you feeling anger or resentment toward the other party, which is preventing you from considering their side of the story? Are you feeling vengeful, and want to make them suffer?
- Confusion: Is your own understanding unclear, making it difficult for you to assess the situation objectively? Do you lack information, or are you unclear about the details?
- Clinging/Attachment: Are you overly attached to your initial expectations for the deal? Are you attached to being “right” or “in control” of the situation, and reacting poorly when that doesn’t happen?
- Craving: Are you craving a specific outcome so strongly that you’re losing sight of what’s actually happening, and not open to what is true and real?
- How these Cloud Your Vision:
- Greed: Your desire for profit may be making you overlook the other party’s valid concerns or clouding your judgment about the long-term value of the relationship.
- Hatred: Your resentment may be making it difficult to have a productive conversation with the other party and making you want to punish them, rather than collaborate.
- Confusion: Your lack of understanding might be leading you to make assumptions and jump to incorrect conclusions.
- Clinging/Attachment: Your desire to be “right” is leading you to focus on what you think should have happened, instead of the objective facts of the situation.
- Craving: Your desire for the deal to be successful may blind you to red flags or lead you to push harder than is helpful.
Takeaway
By actively exploring these questions, you move from being swept away by your emotions to a clearer, more objective understanding of the business deal. This process of self-inquiry and critical assessment is a key aspect of Wise Understanding. It can help you avoid knee-jerk reactions, make more skillful decisions, and resolve the situation in a less harmful way, whether that means changing your approach, clarifying expectations, or cutting your losses. By looking inward with clear and honest self-reflection, you can understand how you are contributing to the situation and how you can take better actions in the future.